PROMISE OF A NEW DAY

I have been in a funk for the last few days. I mean, it's not shocking that I could be in a funk, since I'm human and it happens and my face would hurt if I smiled ALL the time; but I'm really tired of being in a funk. I just wanted to crawl in a hole for the most part of the day. A nice big hole. With yarn, and knitting needles...and brownies......and maybe a pina colada. I just felt like walking around with a billboard that said "BLECH!!" on it.

I guess I could say it started on Tuesday night. My day was uneventful, and I had actually been in a fantastic mood because not only had I figured out what I wanted to make for my treasure swap knitting partner, I was already 3/4 of the way done with it. That was super exciting because I was starting to stress out a little bit......not certain that I was able to read this person well enough to make her something that I could put a good dose of happiness into. But I got it and it's awesome!!

But anyhoo, my hub and I go to sing on Tuesday nights regularly. It's a nice little bar/restaurant which provides the community with an open mic and Jeff and I have become very close friends with the other regulars. We meet and talk about the hoopla of the previous week, and listen to each others music. It's a great time. However, I must have been stressed out because I was tense the whole night. My friend Jen was in a bad mood, and she's always chipper, so I think that spun me for a loop.

But I noticed as I was sitting on stage that my shoulders were up around my ears and I definitely had to forcibly push my voice to the surface; and for those of you who have heard me sing (when I'm in a good mood), it's just one of those things that's just there. I don't usually have to force it. And what's worse, we open with a song that I'm not really solid with, (because it was a request). The words are typed on a piece of orange paper in a 10 font and the stage lighting is ORANGE which pretty much made the lyrics do a disappearing act.

So, I think the performance sucks. I mean, I sang the first song with an orange sheet of paper propped up on my boob so that I could try to read the stupid lyrics.... believe me, I KNOW the performance sucked! Jeff KNOWS the performance sucked.....and the place breaks out into ground shaking applause. WHAT?!!!

Now I know I'm moody because who gets mad at applause? Seriously! But I'm not thinking, "They love you!!" or "Maybe it wasn't as bad as you think it was". I'm thinking "Do these people actually listen to me?" "Are they patronizing me?" Holy cuckoo, Batman! I was convinced that they were all drunk and their ears must have been doing the back stroke in whatever alcoholic beverage they were consuming.

Jeff, of course, informed me that I'm overly critical of myself. Picture it, you guys: his dark brows furrowed intently as his hands are vigorously thrashing through the air as he says - "You come from a line of musicians. You are a professional singer pretending to be an amateur. Even when you sing like crap, people think you sound great! Don't be so hard on yourself!!" Other than the professional part, he's probably right (although I'm fairly sure it says somewhere in our contract that he always has to make me feel better about myself, even if he has to pull at straws). And more importantly, I sing because I love to to do it. It's why I knit, and bead, and so on and so forth. It's definitely a defining part of my personality. So, yup, he's probably right.....but I'll tell him that tomorrow. ;)

So, yesterday was more of the yuck factor. I seemed to spend a majority of the day arguing with Jeff and now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really sure why. I think it involved matches and a granola bar...........am I losing my mind????

But I do have to say this about myself. I am a pretty darn genuine person. I found that I didn't try to throw myself into happy happy mode. I allowed myself to be quiet and a tad bit melancholy (because I am super cute when I'm melancholy!), and the world didn't end for me! GO FIGURE!!! I just knit away on my new friend's surprise gift, and knew that tomorrow would be a better day. I can only hope!


-T